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“Are you looking at my tits?” came the too loud voice from the sand volleyball court below. I recognized the voice. She’s called Jewels. I don’t know if that is familiar for Julie or just a nickname the guys gave her massive hooters. She plays it up though. It’s her way of both humiliating and picking up guys.
This is my second summer here. The living room windows from my third floor apartment overlook the sand volleyball court. When the weather is nice I have them open while typing away on the computer. I get to listen to the mating banter while trying to concentrate on getting work done for my client.
It’s sad to be this old and finally realizing just how biologically ill-equipped the human species is for survival. We should have died out long ago. All the dudes focus on Jewels ignoring the slender, shy girls with short cropped dark hair, small chests and fantastically tiny butts.
Joe Fool
Most of the girls seemed to be focused on head dude, Joe Fool. I suppose he is good looking. Obviously spends more time working out than actually learning anything which would better his life. Late twenty-something and still wearing a ball cap backwards on his head like every other fool. Trying to surf through life on just a smile and a haircut. The ball cap is mostly to hide the fact he is already going bald.
Guys like Joe Fool really mess up my life. Oh gosh no! Not with bullying or taking chicks from me. I’m old. As the geezers in Florida say “A life sentence ain’t what it used to be.” That’s why they are so adamant about “Stand Your Ground” laws. They can defend themselves while pushing a walker.
Garnishments
No, the Joe Fool class of human messes up my life by being such a complete loser. I stopped working on business, especially payroll, applications because of a Joe Fool I never met. You see, I know Joe Fool’s future and the future of any woman dumb enough to sleep with him. Years ago I was working on a Cyborg to Peoplesoft payroll system conversion. Well, more of a feed the Cyborg output into Peoplesoft for IRS reporting and accounting. Cyborg was a tough system to work on and deliberately so. It was written back when vendors tried to force clients to buy $120/hr consulting services from the vendor.
Cyborg also happened to be the absolute best for processing factory line worker payroll. Shift differential, seniority differential, line differential, any payroll quirk which could be worded into a union contract it handled already. It even handled the bizarre New York and New Jersey taxes. Borough, city, township, parish, and the bizarre double calculations were all baked in. It even handled an alarming number of wage garnishments. I don’t remember if it was 24 or 26. I just remember that payroll abended one day because this particular Joe Fool had one more garnishment than Cyborg allowed. It was a shiny new garnishment because payroll didn’t crash the week before.
The client didn’t accept my initial solution. “Fire his ass and cut him a check by hand, obviously he’s a loser.” That’s when I found out about the double calculations and bizarre payroll taxes in the foreign countries of New York and New Jersey. Lots of frantic hacking and vendor support having to send a more than $120/hr consultant over to help so payroll could still run. It wasn’t an easy fix.
For those of you unfamiliar with wage garnishment, it’s a legal process where your employer is required to deduct some portion of your wages each pay period and send a check to the court/collection agency/whoever. Each locality has different laws about how little has to be left for you. Generally garnishment’s can push your income to or below what you would make on Welfare. Going through the court to obtain a garnishment takes time. Once garnishments start getting tacked on most losers either change jobs or go on Welfare to avoid them.
Think about that last paragraph for a bit. The Joe Fool at that particular plant in the New York/New Jersey area racked up either 25 or 27 (does it really matter?) garnishments without the mental capacity to either change jobs or go on welfare. It’s not free for an employer to do this. Checks must be cut and mailed.
Volleyball playing Joe Fool has that as his future. I heard him and his room mates joking the other day that the rent check was going to bounce again, yet they had coolers full of beer and were cooking steaks on the grill. If it hasn’t happened already there will soon be more than one woman come knocking for child support. Dudes who manage finances like that can’t manage to figure out birth control either.
No, were I still young enough to not seem creepy, these dudes would not be competition. They are ignoring the truly prime women. I’ve walked past the court heading to the club house to pick up packages and you can see the longing in their eyes. If someone told me the last time they got laid was prom night in high school I would believe it.
Hooter Blind
The dudes always seem to send the ball Jewels’ way so other dudes can contact he massive bikini top with all kinds of laughing. Whenever one of them bumps into the other girls chests the dudes profusely and instantaneously apologize. Yeah, the “Me Too” movement screwed these girls eight ways to Sunday.
Hooter blind I guess is what one would call it. Jewels’ ass is proportional to her massive chest. Saw Jewels’ mom a while back. The dudes are obviously “mom blind.” At 44 she is so massively overweight she walks with one and sometimes two canes. Jewels is the spitting image of her mom, just 200 pounds lighter right now. One glance at the two of them together and you realize “now” is an extremely temporary situation.
“You’re always staring at my tits, the least you could do is buy them dinner!”
Ah, Jewels’ favorite pick up line.
“Well . . . what do they eat?”
If I had a nickel for every time one of the dudes used that comeback during volleyball I could pay cash for a new Mercedes.
Man, in a couple of years Jewels won’t need a bra, just pants with really wide pockets. She’s going to be like that Walmartian photo on the Internet where the woman just tucked the ends into the elastic waistband of her shorts and went shopping. Don’t believe me? Look it up. It’s a great weight loss program because you won’t be able to eat for days after seeing it.
“Italian.”
Jewels now has the date she wanted. The really great petite dark haired girls who will neither sag nor develop an ass three ax handles and a BB-gun wide will be stuck at home tonight glued to their idiot phones and what do you want to bet Joe Fool’s rent check doesn’t clear again?
The human species really shouldn’t have survived this long.
There’s your prompt. Either finish this story or start with just the prompt itself. Let your mind go down the rabbit hole.
Greg has posted some Flash Fiction prompts. You can find one of them here.
