The question of what to leave an ex-wife came up again the other day. No, not mine! I was never stupid enough to give up half my stuff. No, this was a consultant who I worked with once that was letting an ex-wife still ruin his life.
Our featured image is courtesy of Photo 266326163 © Frank Harms | Dreamstime.com
That’s what they want for a credit line, don’t ask me why.
No End of Stupid Friends
There are plenty of women that will sleep with you without demanding marriage and half your stuff, yet I have some certifiably stupid friends. I was on the phone with one the other day who had just gone through another divorce talking about his new girlfriend and how she might come to live in the same state as him. He’s one of those guys who utters the phrase “I’m one of the smartest people I know.”
Well friend. The first time you got divorced you gave up half. This last time, which was just a few months ago, you gave up another half (and a house). Half of a half is a quarter. Now you are talking about a girlfriend possibly moving across state lines to live with you and maybe get married. Half of a quarter is an eight. Do you see how that basic math you never paid attention to in high school comes into play in real life?
My friends with ex-wives all seem to have a bit of a patter. I’ve written about it before. Of course teh biggest thing they have in common was the foolish believe marriage would give them a regular supply of sex. Nope! Welcome to your life of celibacy. The moment you say “I do” they say “I don’t have to anymore.”
The Current Ex-Wife Situation
I wish I still had the email, but I had to empty “Sent Items” and “Trash” to free up inode space on my hosting site. He reads the blog once in a while so let’s just say the divorce was eons ago and he still lives on the same island in a part of the world where the weather pattern is gray sky, drizzle, and mold. Doesn’t matter what time of the year or day of the week. If you are a weather forecaster, you only have to say that and you will be right 99% of the time.
The really sucky part of retirement is you finally have to face all of those health issues you ignored while earning a living. Why? Because now you don’t have any distractions like work stress. Faced with some roto-rooting around the ticker he decided it was time to update his will.
My Helpful Advice
And to My Ex-Wife:
The person who thought the tiny amount of premarital sex we had would keep her in a manner she would like to become accustomed to for the rest of her natural life. Someone who knew I was an asshole before we got married and had the audacity to demand I change afterwards. Something that has followed me around the rest of my life like a venereal disease that medical science could not cure, despite us never having kids together. You, who believed a few miserable years of marriage granted you my services to do whatever you wanted whenever you wanted in perpetuity. No! I do not have to buy an ex-wife a birthday present and take her out to dinner then listen to her prattle on about how we are not going to have sex that night.
To my ex-wife I leave a big fat middle finger from the grave!
All of my stuff is going to someone you have neither met nor heard of and the lawyer handling my will is barred from telling you anything about them, even their name. At least there will be on person in the universe free of your pestilence. They will get to enjoy the treasure you thought to be yours and I will finally rest in peace.
Feel free to use that in your own will.
