Featured image by Bruno /Germany from Pixabay

If things did escalate into a testosterone hosing of the deck, it was going to be tough when the big plastic cup in front of me had cartoon characters from some kids movie. You can’t be loud if you can’t be proud, or so the saying goes.

Thankfully this Liberty Creek Chardonnay she picked up was pretty good, even standing up to the ice without having that strong burnt oak taste common in higher priced bottles. I don’t know what she paid, but big bottle wines tend to cost less than many of the smaller bottle wines. This is definitely a wine for when you are leaving one in the dust. When you are having only one drink the most expensive stuff you can afford. When one isn’t going to even be a speck in your rear view mirror, price matters almost as much as the answer to “does it give me hang overs?”

Despite what they told you in health class, not all alcohol does give you a hangover. I know some people who can get falling down drunk on icky nasty Budwiser and not show any sign of hang over the next day. Give them just two cans of some watered down light beer and they can barely open their eyes due to the splitting hangover headache. Other people claim just one swallow of Budwiser gives them a headache the next day. People have similar experiences with various wines. Of course, you have to be a professional to understand this. Amateurs who drink only at weddings, holidays and New Years Eve can’t possibly understand.

“So what are you going to tell me about yourself?” asked Melony.

Why am I drifting? Something is wrong with this entire situation and I mean more than just sitting hear in the Unwashed Armpit.

“I can tell you this wine is pretty good, stands up to the ice without being overpowering. Probably won’t give a hangover even if I drink one of those big bottles by myself” I responded.

“While I’m glad you liked the wine, that wasn’t what I asked” she retorted looking me directly in the eye.

Just then a scruffy short beard and ball cap poked his head between us putting his arm around Melony. “Hey Mel! I thought you waz hanging with me tonight” he said too loud over the music. Not hostile. Not angry. Just too drunk to control his own volume. “What’s with all this food?” he continued, not waiting for a reply.

“I wanted more than a six pack and bag of pork rinds tonight Jeffy so I found me a sugar daddy who could buy me a real supper.”

Great! Drag my ass into this. Fucking Henry! His “Trophy Bass” still isn’t back and now there is going to be a two fronted fight. Well, not much of a fight. He’s really drunk, won’t even know he died. His ghost will probably haunt this bar like some of those Civil War soldiers haunt the battle fields where they died. Legend has it something killed them so quick they still haven’t realized they are dead.

“Well who is your sugar daddy honey?” he nearly slurred. “I might want to get a job with him or at least tell my sister.”

Is this just a Red Neck thing? They ask a question and keep right on talking without giving the person a chance to answer.

How many of you remember what I told you about a career bartender? Efficiency of movements? Ability to read people? Mike had been close enough to hear what was said. He also saw the fifty I put on the bottom of the pile. I told you. Noticing things like this is what keeps me alive and I have to be alive to get paid.

“Billy.”

“What Mike?”

“Your sister just waved at me from the far side. I think she wants ya.”

“The things I do for family!” exclaimed Billy. “I’m gonna be back to hang with you Mel. It was supposed to be you and me tonight.”

“Go check on your sister” stated Melony as she gently pushed him away.

Billy kind of lurchy-drunken-dance-stumbled through the crowd after what I assume was an attempt to tip the bill of his hat.

“Thanks for bringing me up” I said when he was out of earshot.

“I never said you were my sugar daddy” she replied.

“No, but we are sitting beside each other eating the same Chinese food with the same Happy Meal glasses in front of us” I stated matter- of-factly without looking her direction.

“Oh, don’t get so huffy. Billy hits on me every Friday around this time. He’s mostly harmless. Not really husband type material, at least not one who could start out supporting three kids and a wife. I do kind of wonder why Mike stepped in? Billy’s been way worse than that before. His sister ain’t even here. She left to spend the weekend at their cousin’s.”

“It was all I could think of on short notice” chimed in Mike. He had been on the far side of this square U-shaped bar but knew what was being said. He couldn’t possibly hear it over the music. Either he knows her well or he reads lips. “Besides, if he was too drunk to remember that he’s too drunk to be around the single women.”

“What about the married ones?” grinned Melony.

“Their husbands will make sure he leaves just like they have before” answered Mike as he hopped to serve another customer.

“I must admit” I said as I began bagging up what was left of my meal, “that was some good food. Too bad it will probably be a short term rental.”

She looked at me kind of curious for a few seconds then burst out laughing. “Most people just get a headache. If it effects you that bad you should have just got the egg rolls like Mike. Those things are the size of burritos” she continued, still laughing. “By the way, not that I’ve ever been in there, but I hear the men’s room is pretty horrible. You definitely want to get out of here before the end of your rental period!” She was laughing hysterically now. Either she really enjoys bathroom humor or she can’t handle the wine.

When she finally finished laughing she volunteered “Glad I met ya, whoever you are, because this is the most fun non-date date I’ve had in years. Usually when I’m here it is just a bunch of guys trying to get in my pants.”

“Why come here if you know that’s how the evening will go?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“Mike watches out for me and I’m friends with some of the wives over there. When the guys get too drunk and forward I go talk about mom stuff with them” she replied. “Besides, this is my one night out and I can walk here.”

“You walk home from here?” I asked with a bit more shock showing in my voice than I wanted.

“It’s not that bad around here. Usually a couple of the, Ogres as you call them, make sure I get home alright before they head to their next place. I leave well before closing. If I do tie one on and stay ‘till closing Mike is usually good for a ride home. Before you ask, he’s my cousin.”

I couldn’t suppress the chuckle and she caught it.

“Not that kind of cousin” she said a bit too loudly as she slugged my arm.

“I just observe, I try not to judge” came my chuckling reply.

“You judge a lot, really” she responded. “You judged me before I even came over to you.”

“Nope, I observed you and calculated the probability of your intentions. They didn’t fit with my plans for the evening” I stated plainly.

“Well, I never . . .” she trailed off. “I knew you weren’t going to be a regular when I saw you. Figured you were stranded here for a night for whatever reason, probably car trouble. I knew the score.” She finished that last sentence very softly. I had been looking her in the eye and said nothing. We both even managed to take a drink of wine without breaking eye contact. Harder than it sounds when you are drinking out of those big plastic drive up window cups.

Finally she looked down and said softly “sometimes a woman just wants to step up when she steps out. Way up, if she can, if only for a little while. Do you think I woke up one morning in my early teens and said ‘I want to be a single mom with three kids living in the low rent part of a Red Neck town?’”

“Probably not” I responded stealing an opportunity to look around and verify Henry was still here. It was enough to tell me he was getting up and so was one of the three single women gathered around him. The husbands were paying close attention.

“You’re damned right I didn’t!” she said with a bit of heat in her voice as I turned back to look her in the eye. “By the way, your friend over there isn’t really leaving with Rhonda. He will be hooking up with Melissa, most likely back at your hotel room.” She saw the look in my eye and continued a bit softer. “Rhonda and Melissa are friends. Sometimes friends with benefits so the story goes. This wouldn’t be the first time Rhonda escorted someone to her and her hubby knows it.”

Internally I was shocked as all Hell. Outwardly I expected my training to hide it. Expectations aren’t always outcomes though. Peripheral vision told me Rhonda was walking behind Henry after saying her goodbyes to the other women. That much of her story tracked. Rhonda knew the routine. It wasn’t going to be enough of a diversion though. The husbands were on the move.

“He’s not going to make it out” I heard her whisper in my ear. Just then an even more drunken Billy stumbled between the husbands and Rhonda. Whether Rhonda was the intended target of his alcohol fueled libido or not we will never know. The wives and other single women at Henry’s former table were all still turned to face Rhonda leaving after having said their goodbyes. Melissa’s hubby shoved Billy out of the way without thinking. Somehow Billy landed with the back of his head wedged between the breasts of one of the wives.

“I done died and gone to heaven!” he hollered at the top of his Red Neck lungs. Henry and Rhonda got another two steps towards the door as the husbands turned to see. One of the husbands hollered “Billy, get out of there!” The juke box had chosen that particular moment to change records. Yes, it still had records. Everyone stopped and turned to see. Henry was now past me with Rhonda close behind. Half the bar erupted in laughter as the next song began to play. The women were trying to shove the puddle which was Billy away while hollering at all three husbands for causing this. Henry was out of the door.

I turned to look Melony in the eye and softly said “You’re buddy Billie comes in handy.”

She smirked and responded “so I was right. The walls in that hotel are thinner than the napkins in this place. Even if you aren’t in the same room you are going to hear it. Is that how you want to spend your evening?”

“It wasn’t at the top of my list” I said truthfully.

“I guess it is time for me to ask about getting in your will” she beamed.

continued…

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