Review — Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore

Secrets of Dumbledore cover image

I was really tempted to give The Secrets of Dumbledore two stars. Hopefully you read my previous review of The Crimes of Grindelwald. This wasn’t a case of bad acting. The actors were all professionals and gave solid performances. Fantastic Beasts seems to be focusing on special effects instead of scripts and story.

A View From 10,000 Feet

This is the Donald Trump movie. A criminal trying to rig an election so they win, lying to the masses so they are willing to attempt violent overthrow of the government. Watching this movie in 2023, post January 6th Committee presentations, makes it seem like the script writers just watched the January 6th stuff and pasted it into the Harry Potter world. I’m cool with that. We need a Springtime for Hitler movie and stage musical about Donald Trump.

In case you haven’t heard, there has been a big controversy about Dumbledore being gay. It’s all part of this recent fetish of turning at least half of all characters gay in Hollywood. I’m a straight guy who has gay friends. When you try to take a good story and turn it into “a gay movie” you lose me. Hopefully you read my review of The Catcher Was a Spy. Another case of trying to make a gay movie out of a really good story. You will notice they didn’t title it The Gay Catcher Was a Spy.

Producers, directors, and script writers need to learn from Bohemian Rhapsody. They handled that subject matter correctly.

What Really Sticks in My Craw

The entire gay thing wasn’t needed. Two young and gifted wizards experimenting with magic formed a blood pact. Later in life one came to learn just how stupid shit you do as a kid comes back to bite you. That is a very teachable moment! Sadly the moment got lost with the gay storyline.

Every kid needs to know the stupid shit you do as a kid will come back to bite you if you live long enough. Doesn’t matter which way their door swings or what sparks their powder. I have a friend from high school and another friend from college. Both had a lot of shit in their past. The kind of stuff that turns up on background checks and haunts you for decades.

This was some stupid kid that torched a brand new Toyota Camry hybrid of mine along with a bunch of other vehicles.

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See, we really do need teachable moment movies kids will actually watch. We especially need them to show kids how a stupid thing like this ruins your life. The Dumbledore blood pact story could have been perfect for that. Instead, it got lost in the gay story. “Why?” is never important when it is stupid shit you did as a kid. The “what” is important. The “how” it dramatically impacted your adult life is very important.


I know some people will think I’m gay bashing here. I have gay friends and I’m at peace with that. This Hollywood “we have to inject a gay story in everything” is really ruining the industry.

If you want to see how The Secrets of Dumbledore parodies the soon to be convicted felon Donald Trump you should enjoy yourself.

Those with a massively expensive in-home theater will enjoy the special effects.

I probably should have given this two stars, but I liked the Donald Trump parody.

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